Three for the Season:New Scented Candles!

An unmistakable sign of fall's grip on the land is the seasonal rise in popularity of large scented candles.What soccer mom in her right mind doesn't pull out the five lb pumpkin spice candle in a jar and burn the shit out of it til well after Thanksgiving or it burns out,whichever happens first.Always happy to partake in the ritual myself,I've invented three new candles for you scentaholics out there.

Pounded Vadge
Light this candle,and let your olfactories bring you to cemetery sex in the back of a 72 Mustang or on the stairs half-dressed while you're babysitting.If you breathe its vapors deeply enough,you can smell your boyfriend telling all his buddies all the nasty things you did to him amidst clouds of Northern Lights smoke and the stink of Blatz beer,too.Ah,the good ole days...

Ganges River Corpse
A few whiffs from this little number and you'll imagine yourself on the banks of the Ganges in India,as bloated vulture-pecked hindu bodies float right on by.If you're a hindu yourself,you may feel compelled to bathe in or drink the water right on the spot.But you can't.It's only a candle,stupid.

Anna Nicole Smith's Dead Body
Light this one and let your nose be overtaken with the fragrance of Valium, Klonopin, and Ativan,mixed with chloral hydrate to combine into the intoxicating odor of dead gold-digging trailer park floozy.